self inflicted change

So, I had my first "breakdown" over moving the other night. It started when I was putting Sheridan to bed and somehow the subject of moving came up. She said to me "we will still be close to mo-mo and pop-pop (grandma and grandpa) won't we?" The look on her face can't be described when I told her that we wouldn't be close to them anymore. Later I went and was reading a friend's blog. She is also moving and was describing how her cupboard looked so bare with all of her things packed up. Of course then I pictured our cupboards bare and I just sat and started to cry.

The funny thing is that I feel somewhat responsible for our moving. Why??? Because I have been praying over the past year that if there is anything in my life that is keeping me from being closer to the Lord, that the Lord would remove it. So, my current conclusion is that my sense of "contentment" with life lately is keeping me from being closer to the Lord and that is one reason we are moving. I have to admit that the past few days I certainly have been reading my Bible more! I guess when things are turned "upside down" we need the Lord more. When I am home, content, and feel as if life is "set", then I need the Lord less. So, I guess in some ways I am thankful for this change. It definitely will cause me to cling more to the Lord, and less to my sense of contentment.

Acceptance

Something I have been struck by lately is the amount of effort people put into being accepted. Sometimes it is sad to watch. I know some who seek after a particular religion simply because the people make them feel accepted. I know others who do certain things to feel accepted, even lie and deceive people. I too want to feel accepted. I think this is one reason the possibility of a move is hard for me. I love feeling accepted. Recently I have attended a few events at my church. I leave every time with such a feeling of connectedness, support and feeling "part of something." That would be hard to leave behind. In my thought process about this I wondered about God and what He feels about acceptance. Certainly Christ was never accepted, but rejected. I know that feeling accepted is not a Godly pursuit, and may even be contrary to God's plan and will for us. But, I also know that we are made in the image of God and therefore that in God is an enjoyment of fellowship. After all, the trinity has been in fellowship for all of eternity. I guess I am learning that I need to be content being accepted by God and God alone. I need to remember that he will never leave me or forsake me. I may never be accepted by those around me, but even as a sinner, I am accepted by God.

Idols

So, a few days ago I got a Blackberry. Yes, I know, I have been living in the dark ages with no texting and with my old flip phone. So, as the days have gone by I have felt so "cool" with it, and I love the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, any time of day!!! In fact, my hubby said to me "now you are one of THOSE people with their noses always in the phone!" This got me thinking about idols. I was watching a cartoon version of the story of Moses with Sheridan the other day and they showed how the Israelites made a golden cow and worshiped it. Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but in examining myself, I do have idols. For example, I love facebook. I spend about 20 minutes per day on it, but really, what else could I do with that time? Seriously, my real idol is what I call "down time." I am obsessed with having down time. I hope other mothers out there can relate. When you work 15 hour days, I guess most people would want some down time. But it is just selfishness when you really think about it. I sometimes dream of my down time during difficult days with the girls. I imagine sitting on my bed, reading or just laying about in bed watching TV. I crave it. I think of it. I want it. Solitude. Quiet. Rest.
But then God gently nudges my spirit with verses like Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." Ouch. And, the most convicting is Philippians 2:4 "do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." I am always looking out for my own personal interests! But, that needs to decrease, so that Christ can increase in me.

Forgiveness 101

So today at dinner I had the brilliant idea to read Proverbs 31 to my girls as an example of what a woman/mother should be. Well, as usual, the Lord intended that passage for me, not necessarily for the girls. Isn't it funny how the Lord can use your kids to teach you so much? Flash back to earlier today and NOT my finest mothering moment. We were on the way home from a nice lunch and the girls were extremely tired (we had a friend over late last night). The girls were arguing and yelling at each other and I was trying to reprimand Sheridan. However, at that particular moment Sheridan decided to plug up her ears, smile and laugh at me in open defiance. So, guess who came to visit the D'Angelo car? ANGER!! In anger, I reached out and slapped Sheridan's leg. Of course, this shocked her and quieted her right down. But, then guilt set in, especially when Michael reminded me that I had sinned by acting in anger. Thanks for the reminder. So, as I was reading Proverbs 31 these words popped out to me "...She looks well to the ways of her household, and she does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her......" Would my children rise up and bless me today? Would my husband praise my actions? Probably not. As I was putting Sheridan to bed tonight, I apologized for acting in anger. And you know what she did? She started to cry. Yes, cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said "because you are saying you are sorry". Wow. Forgiveness. From my child. Now that is a lesson for Mother's Day!

Priorities

What are your priorities for your child? What do you imagine them doing as an adult? Making money? Going to a prestigious school? Living in a big house? Seriously? One of my homeschooling friends once said "we are aiming for heaven, not Harvard". Honestly, being a homeschooling mom has required some adjusting on my part. To be honest, I also once imagined my children going to a great school, getting advanced degrees, and being independent. But, as I examined my motives, I realized that these were things that I wanted! Now as a Christian mom that schools her kids at home, my goals have changed. I feel that my girls are fortunate in that school is a unique experience for them. We wake up when we want to, eat together every morning and the majority of "school" is the three of us sitting together and reading. I LOVE it. My girls get to be children. Our priority is discipling our children in the things of the Lord. Deuteronomy 11:18-19 says "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul;....You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up". As a parent, this is our priority. If you get to heaven and your kids aren't standing next to you, what does it matter what school they went to?

Picture perfect

What did you imagine your family would be like before you had kids? Did you have an image in mind? I know I did! Mine went something like this: I would have kids who were very obedient, in fact I would only have to raise an eyebrow to get them to behave! They would be soft spoken, polite, kind and loving ALL the time. We would live in family peace and encouragement all the time, and at night I would reflect on what wonderful children I had! Sound familiar? So, what is reality? My girls argue in the car about who has more rain on their window. My girls argue about who gets to pray at breakfast. Sometimes, they call me names ("your stinky!"). Sometimes the hit each other and say things in public like "you look like a man" to a woman at target! Sometimes my girls DON'T share, and they yell and scream! So, yesterday I called a friend and poured out my heart about my girls and all my concerns. You know what she said? "None of this can't be fixed". WHAT A RELIEF. I get so caught up in my anxiety about how the girls will "turn out" that I can't put these behaviors in perspective. Yes, these behaviors need to be addressed, and they are. But, I need to trust the Lord and the process of discipleship. A verse I am clinging to is Philippians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus". He won't give up on my girls! I won't give up on my girls! Day by day we will make the journey together.

Satisfaction guaranteed!

Are you content? So many people aren't...........but I am!! I'm not saying every day of my life is wonderful, I am just saying that I am content right now. I LOVE my hubby, LOVE my girls, love the house and neighborhood that I live in, love my friends, love my church, love the routine and schedule of my life. I feel generally satisfied with life. I always imagined myself staying in this life forever. And, maybe (is it possible?) I am too content, too much in my comfort zone. So, as my hubby searches for new employment, I am finding my sense of comfort and contentment challenged. We may move. That is reality, but I don't WANT to. Remember, I am content. I am not good at change. So, as my anxiety level rises, I find myself thinking "could I be content elsewhere?" Paul says in Philippians "not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." So, I guess my question is this "can I be content in all circumstances?" Can I be content in a different house, different neighborhood, different church? I guess time will tell.